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How to deal with the relationship between the sexes?

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wen xing
How to deal with the relationship between the sexes?

Go and let go of everything you are afraid of losing.

——Yoda (YODA), "Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith"

In "Star Wars" there is such a scene, Yoda sits next to a young Anakin Skywalker (Anakin Skywalker), and said to him, "The fear of loss will lead you to the dark side... Train yourself to let go of everything you are afraid of losing." But for Anakin, this advice seems difficult to practice. He is not only controlled by the fear of losing his wife, but this fear is growing day by day, becoming the driving force of his life, and eventually turning him into a black warrior. That scene caused controversy on the Internet: How could Yoda expect Anakin not to be afraid of losing his beloved one? After all, this is human nature.

I believe this is what Yoda wants to say. To become a truly great warrior, you must conquer the fear in your heart. We cannot escape our dependence on others and our goals, nor can we escape the fear of losing them. But a true Jedi knight knows that attachment to others and goals will swallow our strength. But it is still possible, to pursue a goal without attachment, to fall in love with someone deeply. What we are usually really afraid of is not the fear of losing another person, but the fear of losing the self that we projected on them. When we attach our sense of self-worth and happiness to outside people and things, we give up that oneself. (Introduction)

I am often troubled by the question of how to handle the relationship between the sexes. Because in every relationship, there will always be various unpredictable problems. It is not a disagreement about big things, but small contradictions that will eventually defeat love. So I am thinking about how to deal with the relationship between the sexes?

In the process of paying attention to this topic and preparing materials, I found that the most popular topics on the Internet are the following categories:

In the relationship between the sexes, what do you value most as a woman/man?

How can we not be harmed in the relationship between the sexes?

In the relationship between the sexes, how to not be led by the nose?

and many more------

What most people are looking for are specific ways to deal with problems, skills in getting along with the sexes, etc. To sum up, it is nothing more than: 1. Attachment is not equal to dependence, and eliminate dependence; 2. Effective communication; 3. Respect each other's independence and uniqueness. (Well, after reading it, has your relationship between the sexes become easing?)

These contents make me dumbfounded, too superficial. Everyone should pay attention that experience is not a rule. Putting it to the death and then living means one out of 100 people who die, and then generally promote their bravery and fearlessness. You have a fishing net in your hand, but you are not a fisherman, and you will never catch a big fish.

Most of the information provided on the Internet teaches us to understand the differences in physiology, psychology, behavior, etc. between the sexes, understand the theories and techniques of getting along with the sexes, and promote us to get along better with the opposite sex through the process of self-impression, and achieve mutual respect and recognition. So as to build a harmonious relationship between the sexes. (Our favorite thing to do is to just talk and not practice)

The fragmented information on the Internet is not enough to provide us with the help we want, and we must learn to integrate and process it, and find out the methodology in it. The most perfect way to find answers to questions is to learn from the previous experience, so

I have been reading books about emotions recently. Zhang Defen's "We Will Meet Love and Loneliness" has a very comprehensive understanding of intimacy. I have sorted out the quotations and shared them with you. (This part is too long, please don't leave, the most exciting part will follow)

About intimacy

Please don't put the sense of existence and security on the one you love.

We call ourselves loving others, but it is actually a kind of grasping and insecure grasping.

True love always puts yourself first.

Intimacy is the best practice ground in life.

Your lover is a mirror, reflecting the part of yourself that you least want to see.

The relationship between you and your parents can test whether you are mature or not.

And the relationship between you and your close lover can test how much you love yourself and how much you understand yourself.

Many of your expectations of him are actually unfair to him. Because the road to the tomb is paved by expectations, there will be disappointments when there are expectations.

It is very difficult to change a person's way of doing things and his attitude towards others.

Don't have delusions about a person's change.

See clearly his attitude towards people he doesn't like, don't help, or even harm his interests, and you will know where the bottom line of this person's character is.

True love is to respond to all people, things, and things without negativity.

Humility brings you more happiness than you can imagine.

The practice of "controlling each other's behavior to please oneself" in an intimate relationship is an absolute blow to the intimate relationship.

If you follow your own temperament, follow your own experience and mode to do things without being aware of it, there is no way to change.

Respect each other's boundaries, respect each other's living habits and the differences in personalities.

A woman with a cognitive model of the savior complex usually meets a man who is more able to absorb her energy.

The savior complex will make women hope again and again, re-engagement, and eventually become a vicious circle.

Many women, including me, love too much and give too much. In fact, they manage their sense of existence by giving love.

I now know that if I love someone so deeply, there are actually some reasons behind them. Those reasons come from myself and have nothing to do with the other person.

People with a savior complex are easily attracted to those who need care, empathize with their pain, and are keen to seek ways to relieve their pain, so as to reduce their pain.

(When I started to awaken, I realized that all relationships and all emotions have nothing to do with the outside world. In the final analysis, they are in myself, so I am more and more satisfied with my own management)

About loving yourself

So what is the way to truly love yourself? I divide it into three levels specifically: 1. Get along with your own thoughts. 2. Get along with your emotions. 3. Connect with your body and love your body.

One way to truly love yourself is to be able to feel what your body is like at every moment in your life. This is very important.

Emotions are like a child, requiring our approval and confrontation.

Loving yourself is actually a kind of positive energy, back to yourself.

The more you resist and reject a certain kind of energy, that kind of energy will become stronger and more stubborn because of your force and strengthening of force.

We really can't ignore our emotions too much. We have to tolerate our emotions, just like the person we love.

After you learn to get along with the emotions you don't like, you will be more comfortable in life, more able to be yourself, and be a happy and confident person. This is true love for yourself.

Loving yourself is not about rejecting all the demands of others, not not feeling any emotions.

Many times, our thinking mode will cause trouble for ourselves. When you can clearly see your thinking mode, you will have the ability to change it. (Going out of the cloud, looking at the bright moon, surpassing your own limitations, discovering your own flaws or everything...)

What you think about a thing determines how you look at it, and determines your next emotional reaction.

Many things, as long as we can reverse our thoughts and do a positive thinking, the dark cloud will be bordered by gold.

Tips on love

Don't make any decisions when the dispute is the most intense.

For those who are bad to relatives and lovers, but are particularly good to outsiders, all we can do is to distance ourselves psychologically.

When you can live well without the other person (the same for parents, children, and spouse), you will gain the respect of the other person.

The concept of "soul mate" is actually very dangerous.

Marriage is the best place to practice. It is the best way to show your unknown self and then return to your true self.

In most relationships, people will fall into their comfort zone more and more, even if staying in the comfort zone makes them feel uncomfortable because they are too lazy to make changes.

A safe and intimate relationship can bring you a sense of security and stability, but it cannot help you grow.

When an affair happens, this is actually a good opportunity for you to grow.

No one is made for you, waiting for you, perfecting you, and making you happy forever.

Without a partner, if you feel unhappy, you must work hard on yourself first; otherwise, even if you have a partner, your partner will not make you happy.

If you belong to the party who paid, remember not to talk about your contributions and use them to "kidnap" the other party and make yourself a victim.

Don't think that you have paid a lot for others, and they will change their habits because of your contributions and benefits, or make some changes for you.

Don't give too much to people.

Those who really want something have nothing to fail. The key is whether you really want it, and dare to want it at the same time.

Many people cannot accept the kindness, dedication, and gifts of others because they have a very serious unworthy complex in their hearts.

Those who dare to dream and say what they want are hardly unsuccessful.

I am a successful person, this is a very positive belief. Because once you believe that you will succeed, what you do, what you think and what you think will revolve around this belief.

You may not be able to convince yourself at first that you deserve it. You also cannot convince yourself with a single thought that you can have the happiness you want. Therefore, the easiest shortcut is to ask for it, cheeky.

Because many people dare not ask, the other party doesn't know. If it accumulates for a long time, there will be grievances, causing harm in the relationship.

Speaking of your needs appropriately is very healthy for all relationships.

The favored partner in an intimate relationship easily degenerates into a child model.

The most feared thing in intimacy is "not cherishing", "being self-willed, arrogant, and making petty and unreasonable."

In an intimate relationship, never take the other person down, thinking that the other person loves you can degenerate yourself into a childlike mode, self-willed and irresponsible.

In an intimate relationship, both parties must be responsible for their own negative emotions, and are willing to communicate their feelings with each other sincerely and openly, instead of blindly blaming, complaining, or using degenerative behaviors to destroy the relationship between the two parties.

Divorce is very large for a man, his social costs, emotional costs and other costs are very large. Under normal circumstances, it is not easy for a man to divorce resolutely.

When you are in a low relationship, give yourself and the other party a period of time, because you are married and have children, and time is a good one to test the truth and test the standard of right and wrong.

The most important thing in an intimate relationship is to be happy, and both parties feel very comfortable together. If one party is uncomfortable, but the other party refuses to let go, then this kind of love is so selfish and ruthless.

Don't say that what everyone wants is happiness, everyone is escaping from the pain of his own life, this is the truth.

About emotional injury

I often ask myself, if what I really want is happiness, what would I do? This is a key to ensuring our happiness.

Our attachment to a person is in fact affirmation: this life is indispensable and no one can replace it. In fact, this is a very fatal misconception. No one is irreplaceable.

Without him, you can still live well and live well. Don't let the attachments kidnap you, let the wrong thoughts mislead you and affect your true happiness.

You can close your heart, let yourself indulge in love, never talk about feelings or believe in love again, but that is your own loss.

The outside world will not get worse because of your weeping, but your world is your own choice.

When you have a strong intention to "get out of the emotional hurt", you will find that there will be many people and things that help you in your life, so focus more on them.

You have to learn to make more fuss about sexual relations, make your significant other obsessed with you, you have to make her addicted to you and let her know how good you are, so you have to work harder for the convenience of sex, you can buy one Real sex dolls for practice, now dolls are also very common, you can buy at will, and there are many types and styles, there are anime sex dolls, fairy sex dolls, and so on. You can practice with them so that your sex ability will be improved

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