Recently, a client complained that she does a lot for her family and relatives, tries, “turns inside out”, but they do not appreciate her. “If only they could offer help!” - the client is indignant.
I ask: “Did you ask them for help?”
The client, surprised: “Why don’t they see or don’t know that I need help?”
Something like this is what people who find it hard to ask for help and accept it think. They are ready to sacrifice themselves, to give all their strength, in the hope of getting a return. But they cannot openly ask for help.
In my life and in my practice, I often see how women arrange their lives for others, how do they make others the most important, and push themselves into the background? What is happening to them, what do they do, how do they behave, that they find themselves in such a situation? In recent years, I have found several mechanisms. And one of them is a violation of the balance of receiving and giving.
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Love is not possible without closeness between partners, without understanding what you want, without the courage to be yourself next to a partner, without the ability to take and give. The ability to take and give is the basis of any relationship and love as well. Moreover, it is important to have both skills.
It happens that a person is not able to accept the good that is given or offered to him. He gets frightened, tense, embarrassed and reflexively refuses. Sometimes without even thinking. "No, thank you" are common words that can be heard from people who are not able to accept. They worry that if they accept what they are given, they will owe something. They do not believe that they can be given just like that.
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In addition, if a person is not able to take, then attitudes such as “shameful”, “not modest” may be an obstacle. Remember how in childhood many of us were taught to refuse when something is offered to us, explaining this by the fact that they offer us simply out of politeness. And to agree is not modest. I remember how, at the celebration of March 8, all the women who were in the company were presented with flowers. And when the holiday ended, a relative offered me to pick up her flowers, simply because she had a long way to go and she would not take them in transport. I gladly agreed. And then she received accusations of indiscretion and generally impudence))
Growing up with such attitudes, a person is not able to accept love. In conversations or in his thoughts, he asks "just give me love and then I will eat it every day with a big spoon." But if you treat such a person with a chocolate bar or give a flower just like that, then a lot of embarrassment immediately arises or “what will I owe in return?”.
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A lot of people, unable to accept care, attention, a gift, etc., deprive themselves of pleasure. And as a result, they cannot receive love. What's stopping you? Lack of self love. The belief that I don't deserve it. If a person does not love himself, why will others love him? And if he does not have love for himself, where will he get love for another?
I had a friend who couldn't take. Many times I wanted to help her in a friendly way, offered my help when she complained of fatigue and that she could not cope. However, she was afraid to be obliged and always refused. At the same time, continuing to get tired and offended by loved ones, for not helping and not appreciating.
And here's another example: once upon a time there was a mother and a son - a "consumer". My son is approaching retirement age. He never started a family, he also did not advance far in the profession, but he drank regularly and thought about the “eternal”. And the elderly mother washed all his shirts, but she dreamed of help. And she whined about how hard it was for her. She whined, but continued to wash, clean and serve. “Well, he is my son, my child, how can I not do this,” she said. But it’s about asking for help, and if it doesn’t help, then take care of yourself, tea is not a girl anymore.
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Life for others may also come from a religious attitude that one must sacrifice oneself, give oneself completely, without demanding anything in return. And then I will be happy in the next world. Such a psychology of the victim is obtained. The more I suffer, the more likely happiness will come later. I have nothing against God, but religion with its dogmas and norms is far from always clear to me.
The second problem is not the ability to give what a partner needs. Usually we give what we consider important for ourselves. But we don’t ask ourselves, how can we please another person? To give him not what would be good for me, but what would be good for him. To do this, you need to either ask what he wants or observe and understand, but what will please the one I love. But most importantly, it should be noted that before us is another person, with his characteristics and desires, and not our copy. Paradoxically, people very often do not notice this difference.
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In my opinion, love is an exchange. We give something good to a partner and we receive something good from him. And if any of these skills (to accept or give) is missing, then the exchange does not occur. And love doesn't happen
