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Nidhi Sharma
Why Do I Love Being Sad

Depression is a gloomy absconding abyss. Depression is the loss of control. Depression is a feeling of darkness. This is the only way to describe the feeling of being depressed. People often associate depression with sadness. It's easy to spot the link but I can affirm that when I was depressed I never felt sadness. There were no feelings at all. Depression stopped me from feeling any emotions.

The truth is, I'm not certain the reason why my depression diminished. I was just trying to live a normal life with my normal routines of school, work, and my family, but slowly I began feeling increasingly in severity until eventually, I felt convinced that I'm not suffering from depression no more. It was a 3-4 year period that began in high school and continued through college. There aren't any quick fixes this is a long journey that is constant work. If people ask me what I am depressed about, the sole response I have is " that period has been a very dark time in my life."

While I am aware that I'm no longer depressed but it's evident to me that there are remnants of it in me. Depression is a raging beast inside me that I've encircled but it's ready to come out and become the dominant force. When I am losing a little hope, I can feel the cage becoming weaker. When I feel like life is impossible, I can see the beast's eyes glow in anticipation of breaking out. Every negative thought sharpens the beast's claws.

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The encased monster called depression that I am experiencing is a scourge and I've used this to benefit myself. When I consider abandoning my dream, I remind myself that there's something inside me that is waiting for the chance to gain control. When I am unable to hold a sliver in hopefulness, that demon reminds me that I am its most feared adversary. The essence of depression reminds me not to let life slip away. It motivates me to try my best since anything less than that can lead me to relapse back into depression.

Contrary to what it may sound that way, my depression isn't my primary concern, though it influences the majority of my decisions and actions. To better understand this take a look at the fact that physical and mental diseases aren't any different (I've been through both, I'm able to assure you.) Both have the potential to be debilitating, painful, and life-changing. If someone suffers a severe bodily injury it alters the way they live their life and their perception of life. 

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For instance, when someone is injured his lower back while lifting something weighty, in the future they'll be aware of how to avoid the same injury again. If the lower back pain is persistent and recurring, he'll alter his routine to ease the discomfort. Mental illness isn't any different. When I was diagnosed I was able to live in a manner that doesn't cause it. 

I'll remove any toxic influences from my life. I'll make myself self-confident, and do my best to reach my goals. As someone wouldn't consider their back injury lightly I do not take my depression lightly.

"When you've hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up." Depression is a mental low point. It's the reason I know that the ability to experience feelings of all kinds at any level is a gift. Growing older is an opportunity that is not available to many. Being happy is a great thing for obvious reasons. A feeling of sadness is an honor because it signifies that you've got something to be down about. 

The feeling of anger is an advantage because it indicates you're a human being and are passionate enough to feel strongly about something. Being afraid is a blessing since it signifies that you've got something to lose, and the list continues.

Nidhi Sharma
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